Tuesday, February 1, 2011
What should I do?....
Everything that happened gave my heart and mind so much cofusion..That ended up to a thing i never thought before..A thing i told myself i wouldn't do..because i knew in the first place that i really can't..but because of what happened..something inside me told me to do it..told me to LET HIM GO ALREADY...:(..my mind was really confused as to what to do...i still love him,,but i guess this isn't working out as well as it did before..we were falling apart..everything seems to be so different right now...it's as if i don't know him already.. i don't like to see him,,talk to him or anything..all i wanted was to,,not think about him..pretend that i'm ok and that we were..but my heart was so much hurt..and all i can think of is to end this..to cut the string that connects the two of us with each other..but i don't want him to leave,,i don't like to see him cry..though it hurts so much..and i know that deep inside i really can't...but i also thought to myself that maybe this would be the best thing to do..for us to be friends again..no strings attached..but i don't know who to listen to..is it my heart that says: go on..or my mind that says: let go...but as time went by..i figured out that i really can't..coz everytime i ask myself why..i really don't know the answer...i'm trying to keep us together but i'm falling apart..huh..i hate myself now..:(..help me please Lord..
H@ist ,, kainis..i wasn't able to save the first one i did..so here i am typing it again..hahaha...stupidity..well..cge na nga..pra nman din my mgawa ako..and for my beloved cousin jam to read something..xempre she allowed me to read hers' so it would be unfair if i'm not gonna let her read mine.. di ba..and in fact it's her birthday today..haha..(HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAM!)..
Well,,enough for that..here it goes,,this all started last new year..(jan.01,2011 12:01 am to be exact)..we were texting with each other..and during that moment..i was already thinking of saying yes to him..actually this wasn't an abrupt decision.. i didin't do this because i was pressured or anything..i did this because i was thinking of it for a long time already. Since the day i realized that i really love him..and there it was..i kept on thinking and waiting for the right time to come..i was even asking God for signs,,if i should do it or not...but then things were still playing in my young mind..i was thinking of my parents and everybody around me..is this right or am i making a wrong decision..but for a moment.. i asked myself...."if i do this would i be happy?..or is this what i really wanted in the first place?..but then my heart talked to me,,and said: "Sarah,,for a long time now,,you've been making everybody around you happy,,giving them almost everything that you have just to see them smile,,and disregarding the fact that,you yourself is not happy and that deep inside you is a girl screaming for help because of so much pain. Pain that you do not really deserve,,and now..it's your time to be happy..go on..do as what,,I, your heart is telling you,,this is all what's left of you..then there it went..i have made up my mind..i'll be his girlfriend this new year's day..So i texted him during the new year'r eve..and told him that were already official, i also asked him to text me back after he has recieved the message. After that,, i felt joy..and an expectation that everything's going to be fine and happy now...but that joy was not for long..after a few mins. he replied saying : "Sarah..it's not that i don't want to,but i 'm not yet prepared for this..you see,,this would be my first time to have a girlfriend and i have not courted you properly yet.i'll explain everything in the right time..iloveyou"..after seeing this message my heart shatterred and lost its happiness..My mind was frustrated,,i wanted to cry,,shout,,and tell myself that its ok..that everything is fine..that i was wrong and that i shouldn't have done that in the first place. I wanted to forget about everything that happened after that..i wanted to free my mind from everything that will remind me about that moment. And told him that i understood everything that happened..it's not his fault..it was mine..I never thought for that kind of option..i was only thinking of my happiness during that time..but i was wrong..After that,,i felt a bit of anger,,and much of frustration..which made me remember that Less Expectations make Less Frustrations. And now he kept on apologizing for what happened..But i told him not to..I told him to forget about what happened already..though its so hard to do..but that's the best way i know for the both of us not to be hurt anymore..
Well,,enough for that..here it goes,,this all started last new year..(jan.01,2011 12:01 am to be exact)..we were texting with each other..and during that moment..i was already thinking of saying yes to him..actually this wasn't an abrupt decision.. i didin't do this because i was pressured or anything..i did this because i was thinking of it for a long time already. Since the day i realized that i really love him..and there it was..i kept on thinking and waiting for the right time to come..i was even asking God for signs,,if i should do it or not...but then things were still playing in my young mind..i was thinking of my parents and everybody around me..is this right or am i making a wrong decision..but for a moment.. i asked myself...."if i do this would i be happy?..or is this what i really wanted in the first place?..but then my heart talked to me,,and said: "Sarah,,for a long time now,,you've been making everybody around you happy,,giving them almost everything that you have just to see them smile,,and disregarding the fact that,you yourself is not happy and that deep inside you is a girl screaming for help because of so much pain. Pain that you do not really deserve,,and now..it's your time to be happy..go on..do as what,,I, your heart is telling you,,this is all what's left of you..then there it went..i have made up my mind..i'll be his girlfriend this new year's day..So i texted him during the new year'r eve..and told him that were already official, i also asked him to text me back after he has recieved the message. After that,, i felt joy..and an expectation that everything's going to be fine and happy now...but that joy was not for long..after a few mins. he replied saying : "Sarah..it's not that i don't want to,but i 'm not yet prepared for this..you see,,this would be my first time to have a girlfriend and i have not courted you properly yet.i'll explain everything in the right time..iloveyou"..after seeing this message my heart shatterred and lost its happiness..My mind was frustrated,,i wanted to cry,,shout,,and tell myself that its ok..that everything is fine..that i was wrong and that i shouldn't have done that in the first place. I wanted to forget about everything that happened after that..i wanted to free my mind from everything that will remind me about that moment. And told him that i understood everything that happened..it's not his fault..it was mine..I never thought for that kind of option..i was only thinking of my happiness during that time..but i was wrong..After that,,i felt a bit of anger,,and much of frustration..which made me remember that Less Expectations make Less Frustrations. And now he kept on apologizing for what happened..But i told him not to..I told him to forget about what happened already..though its so hard to do..but that's the best way i know for the both of us not to be hurt anymore..
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